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Post by greyfox »

I called my friend Bob Jones, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later in his office, Bob showed me a color diagram of a colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Queens. Then Bob explained the procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I really didn't hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, " HE'S GONNA STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT"!

I left Bob's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say we will never let it fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water but with less flavor. Then in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix 2 packets of powder together in a one liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep taste- and here I'm being kind- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleaner with a hint of lemon.

The instruction for MoviPrep, clearly written by someone with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,"a loose watery bowel movement may result" This is kind of like saying that after jumping from your roof you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be to graphic, here, but; Have you ever seen a Space- Shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times you wish the bowl had a seatbelt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then when you think your emty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point as far as I can tell your bowels go into the future and start eliminating food you haven't eaten yet.

After an action packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking "what if I spurt on Bob" ? How do you apologize to a friend for that, flowers wouldn't be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and fully agreed with whatever the hell they said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on you feel more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a needle in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was pissed off I had not thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got too drunk to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full fire hose mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house down.

When everything was ready,Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Bob was waiting with a nurse and anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I knew Bob had it hidden around somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Bob had me roll over on my left side and the anesthesiologist put something in the needle on my left hand. There was music playing and I realized it was "Dancing Queen" by Abba. I remarked to Bob, that of all the songs Dancing Queen was the least appropriate.

"You want me to turn it up" said Bob from somewhere behind me.

Ha-Ha, I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish prepare yourself because I am going to tell you in detail what it was like.

I have no idea really I slept through the whole thing, one moment Abba was shrieking Dancing Queen, the next I was in the other room, Bob was looking down at me asking how I felt, I felt great knowing it was over and my colon passed in flying colors.
"There's mosquitoes on the river Fish are rising up like birds"
Grateful Dead

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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by Eperous »

Get use to it... once you hit fifty - CJ, paying attention - it's a regular procedure every few years... worse part is night before and the prep, as you found out.... you're counting all your anal openings by the time this is done.... walking around hospital before procedure half nake is no joy either... procedure itself a breeze, unless they find issues - which could save your life....


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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by Mochaboy »

Sir, you have a gift for telling stories...1 liter = 32 gallons...priceless

Glad you passed (no pun intended) with flying colors.



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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by catskilljohn »

That was a great story man, it took me 10 minutes to get through it, I was laughing so hard!

Glad to hear it went well, the results anyway. I know a personal trainer chick that takes something like that to "clens" her system :roll: Chicks, who can figure them out. CJ
"Gentlemen,remove your hats,this is it"
"This is where the trout was invented?"
"Oh he existed in a crude,primitive form in Waltons England"
"But this is where they painted spots on him and taught him to swim"

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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by drlogik »

Like a close fishing buddy of mine says, "Growing old ain't for sissies".......ain't that the truth, eh?
´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ ><(((((º>
`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ ><(((((º>
¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ ><(((((º>

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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by Bud »

I get pictures afterward of my pretty pink insides. Way cool. Makes the whole thing worth it. That, and not dying of colon cancer.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. And inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Marx (Groucho)

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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by Joe Fox »

My god that was funny! Great writing, so good it should be published.
I watched my father go through all that quite a few times as he was dealing with colan cancer and the stories it creates are priceless.

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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by dennis »


Glad everything came out ok. :) Been there done that. Yes the prep is the worst.

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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by Mantis »

LOL. Nice story indeed. This has gone around the internet for at least 5 years. The first time I read it I thought, been there, done that. Whoever the guy was who originated it did a heck of a good job. Bob

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Re: Colonoscopy

Post by ewpeper »

Mantis wrote:LOL. Nice story indeed. This has gone around the internet for at least 5 years. The first time I read it I thought, been there, done that. Whoever the guy was who originated it did a heck of a good job. Bob
The originator was the inimitable Dave Barry.

A mountain is a fact -- a trout is a moment of beauty known only to men who seek them.
Al McClane in his Introduction to The Practical Fly Fisherman . . . often erroneously attributed to Arnold Gingrich

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